Month: April 2014

Masterpieces.

Masterpieces.

I ask Him to let me see life through His eyes a little bit. To filter the confusing, the meaningless, the chaos through His lenses.  Because I do so want to see this world penciled in by His mighty hand through the Creator’s eyes. To see […]

Thursday.

Thursday.

I write it all down there in ink. What I need to finish this week – and I schedule in the following weeks too while I have the calendar and the lists. The softball, the dances, meetings, and more. And I breathe in deep, because I […]

Loved.

Loved.

And because I’ve vowed to write transparently, honestly…sometimes these words typed in black are

messy.

ugly.

But I lay them out there, because I know that’s where the cleansing begins. When we take off our masks. I want to polish up my ugly before laying it bare. But that’s just wearing a different kind of mask, is all.

So I’ll say these words that are burning in my heart right now.

I don’t love well.

And these are not self-deprecating words, secretly crying out for someone to validate what a good job I’m doing. These are words, uttered in wonderment, because in my own arrogance I’ve thought I’ve loved pretty well.

But God – He has this habit of making me see things face to face. And so He plants me squarely in front of words I’ve read dozens of times before. A section of the “love verses” in 1 Corinthians 13.

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;[b] it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things

I breathe deep because I know I’m not loving like this. I’m not patient, nor always kind. I do envy. I boast. Oh, I might do it with a show of humility. But it’s boasting all the same. It does not insist on having it’s own way? My very core cries out to have my own way. I want people to respond the way I respond. To see the way I see. To feel the way I feel. Love does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Do I really hate wrongdoing or just when it affects me or stirs my conscience? Do I rejoice with the truth…the way He rejoices with the truth? Love bears all things…I have a limit. Love believes all things…my faith is so weak. Love hopes all things…I feel so hopeless sometimes. Love endures all things.  All things.

Oh and I know this is an impossibly high standard. Another reason to cling desperately to Christ.

But I have to tell about these scales ripped from my eyes…enabling me to see a piece of this thing a little more clearly.  I am still, still asking people to fill me up. I’m asking my husband to complete me, my kids to give me meaning. Parent, siblings, friends – I cry out fill me. When I look the truth in the eye, I’m pretty hard on those I love most. I have unspoken expectations that linger in the back of my mind even if I don’t speak them out loud. I have expectations, as if someone needed to earn my love.

And deep down, I’m so frustrated when they let me down. When they don’t respond the way I want. When they don’t fill me up. When I’m disappointed, let down, empty.

So those verses? It’s not about others loving me up…it’s me not loving at all. I go in expecting to gain when God is asking me to pour myself out.

Because then He can fill me up. Fill me up to overflowing.

I want that kind of love that splashes on to everyone around me.

A friend – she heard these words of mine as I confessed them to her late last night. She heard the heart behind the words. And so this morning she sent me the devotion that was in her inbox. The devotion that needed downloaded directly to my heart. The author talked directly to these issues swirling in this head. And she gave a Scripture, that I know by heart, that pierced my heart even as it spoke of nails piercing his limbs. Right there in Romans 5, it says it clear:

But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

While we were still sinners.

He loved us then.

Yet I want to put stipulations on my love for others – making them feel my cold disapproval or quiet disappointment when they’ve come up short.

As if when He was up on that cross. Bloodied. Exhausted. Broken. As if then, He shook His head sadly, disappointment etched on his face. Making me feel the weight of His disapproval.

No. It was love. Pure, unselfish love that held Him there. Nails weren’t enough to hold the Son of God on the cross! Only a love, so deep and powerful, could hold our King to that wood.

And I want to love like that. To be patient and kind. To not envy. To not boast – but in Christ alone. To not be arrogant or rude. To not insist on having my way. To not be irritable or resentful. To throw away records of wrongs. To love so deeply that I

bear all things.

believe all things.

hope all things.

endure all things.

I want to love like that.

 

I prepare my heart this Holy Week. I think on the cheering crowd of Palm Sunday, those hailing the King riding a donkey into Jerusalem. I think of the pain He knew He would suffer by choosing to love with abandon. And yet…He still came. He still loved. Even though He knew the crowds just days later would be jeering and cruel? He came.

And He loved.

scripture card

 

Resisting Insecurity

Resisting Insecurity

Joy. Confidence. Security. These three adorned her features as she strode through the rooms, playing dollies and princess and cooking. At two years old, she had not a care in the world other than what was in front of her at any given moment. She […]

When Breathing’s Too Hard

When Breathing’s Too Hard

I awake with a nameless fear gripping my throat cutting off my air supply. But I’ve learned to breath in slow. And exhale. Seems like it would be a pretty automatic thing, to exhale. But sometimes I catch myself, sitting so stiff and tense, holding in […]